My Other Ride's A Squirrel
by CrackficShrews
Summary: Crackfic/The title has nothing to do with the story.Bella has a MySpace page. The POV goes between Edward and Bella as they share via blog. Edward isn't too bright, but he sparkles. Bella finds the benefits of having an Edward, & the Volvo comes to visit.
1. Bella's Donuts

**A/N **I want to thank Myotherridesasquirrel, and Chewsontrees, MadAngryBeaverGirl, MyJudeyJude, QLude, and MyBooSmacky. I don't know what I'd do without meh BB's who don't do crack.

So like I decided to write a story about Bella getting a MySpace page, and she and Edward having blogs. It would be all kinds of fun and awesome combined. :D They would both be clueless and dumb in their own special way.

Also, in the same vein of all the Edward/Bella fics I will alternate between Bella (BPOV) and Edward (EPOV) with each chapter. Because we all want to know every single thought these two awesome people think about the other awesome person in their life, Bella and Edward.

DISCLAIMER: S Meyer wrote Twilight, but she would want no association with this.

**Chapter 1: Bella's Donuts**

(EPOV)

_108VirginBoy Blog_

Bella walked by again. She always walked by me and it was repulsing. She had smelly blood.

I loved to watch her sleep, despite her smelly blood.

And then she started leaving me gifts once a month. I found out she threw away bloody donuts once a month for like five days in a row in her bathroom and I'd go in there and chew on them. That was so nice of her.

I knew she was thinking of me and that's why she left me them. They were all wrapped up too, really pretty in this chiffon soft white wrapping paper.

It was her way to tell me she was okay with me watching her sleep. She'd make them in her sleep at night in her bed – I smelled that too. But, I'd wait for her to wrap them up for me.

I wouldn't dare go near her girly parts. She had to remain a virgin because Bella was too pure to be defiled.

I'm in love with her and her donuts.


	2. Ignoring Him

**A/N** I've decided to post BellAwesome's post too

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer loved Bella and wrote Twilight

**Chapter 2: Ignoring Him**

(BPOV)

_BellAwesome Blog_

Edward came by. He told me for the 200th time that he was no good for me, after he told me he couldn't live without me and the smell of my blood made him get erectile dysfunctions. I'm pretty sure he didn't know what that meant.

I was fairly good at ignoring him. I ignore people I don't like really well – like blondes, and black peoples, and Mexican-types, and lotsa others. It's like my gift. I ignore most of the kids in my high school since they all just seem like people that don't matter in the grand scheme of things, yah know?

OMG, Lauren wanted to sit at my table. That bitch looked at me weird. I heard she had a lazy eye. The bitch had so many problems.

Angela, on the other hand, is nice. She wears glasses so I know she's a smart person. She also treats me to French fries and gives me all her apples. I love apples. It's pretty much the only thing I eat. I don't want to get fat… like Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley. Oh, she's a cow and hippo combined, like a CowHippo.

Oh yes, back to Edward.

Of course, he considered me wanting him, but playing hard to get. Edward's not very bright. When his brother, Emmett, told me while we were kind of making out (Emmett loves to make out with me and other creatures, he said), that his brother was still a virgin after 100 years I knew there was something wrong with him.

This time I couldn't take it any more.

"I'm no good for you Bella," he wailed and made this scrunchy I-just-pooped-in-my-pants face.

I told him, "You bet your sweet cold ass you aren't."

I flashed him the hand, and walked away from him and hoped he got the point. But, he wasn't very smart – unlike me. I'm a genius and I don't get why I have to go to high school because I already know everything that was about to be taught in the classes. I'm like that. It's not like I'm some dumb blonde… like Lauren Mallory. Even her name sucks. Mine is cool. It's like what the ugly duckling became – a beautiful swan. That's ME! : )

Today, I'm going to make a MySpace account. My username will be BellAwesome. I thought it sounded like a mix of Bella – me; and awesome – also me; and like a beautiful blossom kind of sound to it. Just like my Blog.

I'm so smart to have figured that out. I know everyone will love the name I picked out, BellAwesome. I'd almost like to change my name to that.

Okay, signing out. Oh yeah, and I noticed my pads keep disappearing from the bathroom trash. Weird.


	3. I Don't Get Alice

**A/N** Wow, here's chapter 3 and I hope you all like the 108VirginBoy. :D

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight, but didn't allow Alice to take Rosalie out into the woods.

**Chapter 3: I Don't Get Alice**

(EPOV)

_108VirginBoy Blog_

Alice was dancing and pirouetting in the kitchen again. She hit some pots and pans – that escape me as to why we own them since we don't cook. We only eat poor, innocent creatures – I mean evil predators. Carlisle keeps trying to tell me how to think. It's very difficult. Carlisle is always telling me what to do. I think he has a god complex of some sort.

Anyway, Alice is always dancing and skipping, and leaping and speaking with a voice like wind chimes. It's really hard for me to take that wind chime sound. After the 50th year I would have killed her if she wasn't already dead.

We made a truce and decided to both hate Rosalie instead. She was fun to hate. She could always be counted on to call us names.

Alice didn't like it as much, I think. She told Rosalie, "You talk to me like that one more time and I'm taking you far into the forest and doing things to you."

Afterward Rosalie never talked to her like that, but they spent a lot of time far into the forest – like days some times. Once they were gone for a month and they brought back souvenirs. I didn't know you could buy souvenirs in the forest.

It must have been horrible for Rosalie because she'd always be so quiet when she got back and made weird humming sounds – like a purr. I figured it was the pain she was in from Alice.

Sometimes Alice told me that Bella didn't want me. I knew better. Alice kidnapped Bella once and she also took showers with her to help her out. Alice was always so helpful with Bella.

Alice was a good friend to all girls and so I guess I could understand why she wasn't as good a friend to me. I wasn't a girl.

It was good Alice could be such a good friend, because Bella told me to stay away. I knew she didn't really mean it. She was just doing it for my sake because her blood made me sick.

Bella was just too wonderful a human being, always thinking of me and my needs, and then leaving me those donuts.


	4. He's Stalking Me Again

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight and I pretty much wrote all this other stuff.

**Chapter 4: Edward's Stalking Me Again**

(BPOV)

_BellAwesome Blog_

Shit. He was in my room again. He bumped into my dresser and knocked over one of the souvenirs Alice brought me back from her sex travels. I loved when Alice told me all about them. Plus, she'd then demonstrate. It gave me goosebumps thinking about it.

But, damn that Edward. He watches me sleep. I mean, I patoot sometimes in my sleep and he's there listening. It's so embarrassing. And my pads are still disappearing. I mean, not that I care because they're trash. It's just weird.

This time I planned ahead. I placed one of those Nanny Teddy's with the built in camera on my dresser. I needed proof for the restraining order.

I was hoping my dad would arrest him and take him away, but then I thought over the scenario. I was sure he wouldn't stay in prison being a vampire. So I had to be more proactive and positive having a vampire watch me sleep.

And then I recalled peeking at him while asleep and how he was always so stiff – I mean ALWAYS. It was one of the reasons I wanted to have sex with him. I was pretty sure he'd be better than any of the dildos I had in my drawer.

I wanted to take a pic with a cowboy hat and riding him. I wanted to place it on my MySpace page. "I'm Riding on my Vamp Bitches!" Yeah, that would look cool. I'd get so many girls jealous with that one - especially if I placed a sun lamp in the right spot to make him sparkle. That would be the hot shit.

I needed Edward around. So I decided against the restraining order. I could use the Nanny Teddy to make vids of me and Alice when she was demonstrating. That would be wet worthy watching for later.

No other girls had an Edward that they could use. But I did. I just wanted him to stop watching me sleep. I didn't get him since my blood made him sick and break out in hives or something. I was never sure, since he talked so much and I always stopped listening after around the third word.

Shit, he was boring! Not like Alice. She had a voice that sounded like wind chimes.


	5. I Don't Understand These Modern Women

A/N I'm posting quickly because these are very short and easy to write. And I'm not very smart.

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight and made Edward a 108-year-old virgin.

**Chapter 5: I Don't Understand These Modern Women**

(EPOV)

_108VirginBoy Blog_

Bella was talking about MySpace and needing me to pose for this photograph. I didn't really understand the meaning behind it, but I had to. It was Bella, after all. She even placed special lighting around for the picture and I felt so special.

Alice called me a WitheringDick and AustenFuck for doing it. I didn't understand what that meant. Alice was so into this new modern language. But I didn't care. At least I wasn't getting her horrible beatings like poor Rosalie.

She left with Rosalie again. Ho ho, that Rosalie was going to get it good this time. I heard Alice tell her that, "You're going to get it good this time."

Rosalie made that humming sound again. It was her fear, I was sure.


	6. I'm Riding a Vamp Bitches

A/N I know. These are so short.

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote the awesome character of Bella in Twilight. I just share the love. :D

**Chapter 6: "I'm Riding a Vamp Bitches"**

(BPOV)

_BellAwesome Blog_

Oh wow, I made 800 new friends with my new pic on MySpace. Next one I think it will be called "Sparkle Peen." I should sell it on eBay and make some cash. I said my boyfriend has a metallic disorder and also got the added sympathy friends. Wow, I loved having my own Edward.

Why hadn't I thought of taking advantage of him sooner?

Alice told me I would get noticed by some Italian guy named Volturi. Like I gave a shit about him. He was probably one of Alice's old boyfriends. She pretty much had sex with everyone and everything. Except Edward. She said he was so not worth it. I had to agree. My dildo moved more into my G-spot than he did after my cowboy ride. He didn't even know what that meant or the fact he lost his virginity on the ride.

Edward wasn't very bright. All I had to do is tell him it wasn't sex – it was art. He bought it.

I loved having my own Edward.


	7. They're Coming

**A/N** I love Italian art... and short chapters. Thanks Rei and Jezz for the reviews on this awesome story. I know it moves you. :D

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight with Volturi

**Chapter 7: They're Coming**

(EPOV)

_108VirginBoy Blog_

I was scared. Alice told me the Volturi were coming because of the artful photographs I took with Bella for her space page. I didn't understand why they didn't appreciate art. They were Italians.

I had to find Bella and warn her of them coming to see her and have a lengthy discussion over art.

I began to realize it was the cowboy hat. That would not go over well with Italians. I don't remember them wearing hats, and Europeans don't like Texans.


	8. The Big Newton

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight and I wrote the Big Newton

**Chapter 8: The Big Newton**

(BPOV)

_BellAwesome Blog_

Fuck, Edward would not stop going on about that Italian guy, Volari, or Volvo, or whatever the hell. Even Alice and Rose came by – we had to have sex of course. I was sure to film it for my MySpace page.

"Having Sex with my Vamp BB's Bitches!"

Woo, this one got almost a thousand hits.

Oh shit, I found out all those hits were from one person, TheBigNewton89.

WTH?!?!?!?!?!

I had to find this Big Newton guy. And where the hell did my pads go?! I'm going to put my Nanny Teddy in the bathroom next time I'm on my period.


	9. Jelly Donuts

A/N This is the shortest chapter I've ever written. :) If you'd like, ask me via pm what the story behind jelly donuts is and I might tell you.

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight and I think she might like jelly donuts, but I'm not positive.

**Chapter 9: Jelly Donuts**

(EPOV)

_108VirginBoy Blog_

Man, I'm craving those donuts Bella leaves me. It's hard to go through those three weeks in between and I feel like I might not make it. I crave the blood Bella makes just for me every month. I'm thinking of asking her to make me those donuts maybe twice a month. But, I don't want to assume too much from my delicate flower - my BellAwesome. She told me to call her that.


	10. The Volturi are on the Way

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight and never acknowledge periods. I do. :D

**Chapter 10: The Volturi are on the Way**

(BPOV)

_BellAwesome Blog_

Alice is acting so weird about these Italians. She told me there were three: Arrow, Markus, and Kayus. What a bunch of weird names for Italians. They were also bringing a girl named Jane. At least she had a normal name.

And I was still looking for the Big Newton. What kind of name was that?

Urgh, I hated that I was going to be starting my period again. Ick, just when Alice is expecting those Italian guests too. I hate cramping during big events.


	11. What Do I Do?

A/N Another very short chapter. I hope you feel you're getting your money's worth. :) I hope you like too.

DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer wrote Twilight and loved her virgin boy.

**Chapter 11: What do I do?**

(EPOV)

_108VirginBoy Blog_

Carlisle told us all to be ready for anything. The Volturi will appear in the next day. I hated them. I hated them and their poor taste in art. I hated that they didn't appreciate my BellAwesome and her beautiful photography.

I'm going to wear a hat. That'll show 'em. And maybe boots too.


End file.
